Oh F*ck…I’m Depressed.

Situational depression can be a real B*%#!

Seasonal Depression is a sometimey B^*#!

PMDD is an annoying B%^+!

Persistent Depression is a determined B&*%!

Major Depression is the Biggest B*%^!

I’ve experienced at least four of the five.

I’ve been sad for a while.

It was hard for me to come to terms with that because I did the cosmetic work to take care of the surface. Plus my temperament is a mixture of melancholy and whimsy.

Still, the sadness was on a spiritual level I wasn’t reaching; and one that had been a slow drip in a deep pond.

Sure I experienced seasonal depression but that doesn’t last long anyway, right?

Yea, I struggle with the onset of PMDD but as intense as it feels it quickly subsides as my cycle progresses.

This was a new experience of sadness I hadn’t known or hadn’t been paying attention to.

I always saw in movies the person laying in the darkness; boxes of food carnage in their wake as they struggled to move from the couch. I’ve read article after article on how extreme sadness could be debilitating. I thought back on my moments of sadness half relating and half thankful that I’ve never known the kind of sadness that made it difficult to move.

“Just get up” I thought…

“Go outside” “Do an activity that sparks joy!”

Then, early one morning after 3 hours of sleep (that had become my average), a heavy chest, and a staring contest with the ceiling that lasted at least two hours; I finally was able to say…

“Oh Fuck. I’m depressed.”

I had spent so much time berating myself for not functioning in the ways I thought I should be. Leaning into the toxic positivity that told me my emotions weren’t valid. I found myself hanging on by a thread only to cut it with my own negative self talk concerning my reality. 

I was more than just sad.

It was no longer burnout.

It wasn’t just a moment.

At first, the thought of it frightened a part of me that didn’t recognize this flickering light I had become.

I cringed at a self diagnosis I’d been taught didn’t have a place in my black ass life. It especially felt out of place for the blogger, podcaster, motivator…it wasn’t “on brand.”

How could I be depressed and still be me.

Truth be told; the realization was freeing. 

After I was humble enough to practice what I’d been preaching and step into my FULL truth, I found a sense of release from the part of me that said I wasn’t supposed to feel this way.

I did feel this way. I do feel this way.

My goal over the next few days was to lean into my truth; so when asked:

“Hey girl! How you been?!”

My answer has been simply and enthusiastically “Oh, I’m depressed but I’m working on it.”

Now, my very intact sense of humor finds joy on the faces of those unlucky enough to ask the question expecting a simple “I’m fine, and you?”

People don’t dare say those words out loud; they don’t dare admit it to themselves or others. 

I watched as others scrambled to find words to patch something only I could fix.

But my own personal mission is two fold; I shamed myself for being depressed because as a society we shy away from any real discussions about it until we’re already on the other side of it. 

I didn’t want this blog to be that. For another who is dealing with depression to read about how someone got over it. There’s power in just admitting and feeling in this moment. So here I am. 

Feeling all of this shit.

I’m in it. 

In admitting this to myself and others I hope to carve out a small space for those in my proximity who may go through this to be able to say “oh fuck. I’m depressed.” When I ask “hey, how are you?”

While I don’t think everyone deserves access to your truth I do take power in knowing that a discussion can spark from it and maybe the next won’t have to spend days in bed, losing hours at a time staring into a void wondering what’s wrong with them…

Education. Logic. Even all the spiritual practices I’d taken up were lost under my emotions and clouded by my inability to stand in my truth.

I don’t write this as a guide out of depression nor am I an expert but hopefully I’m a damn good – looking mirror if you ever need. 

The first step. Admittance.

The second step. Acceptance.

I can’t fight anything If I can’t first admit and accept it as a reality.

Then, and only then, can I work on Step three…

Ass kicking this depression.


Builders! Feel free to share your truth with experiencing depression by commenting below!

2 thoughts on “Oh F*ck…I’m Depressed.”

  1. It’s ok not to be ok and it’s ok to cry, in fact it’s good to cry sometimes! I’m also learning that in order to heal…. you need to feel. Great read 💛

    Like

    1. Absolutely; often we have to give ourselves permission to push back against the ways we’ve been taught to suppress our emotions. Crying is many times the most radical, fearless act you can do for yourself.

      Like

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