The Infamous Reputation of Forgiveness was a hit on the lets build website when I first wrote it in 2017. But talking about forgiveness was only half of the pie.

Recently, I discovered how I’ve conditioned myself to forgive in the absence of an apology; sadly, I had begun to no longer expect one. We are really bad at apologizing , let alone, asking for forgiveness when we’ve wronged someone. We Lean into the thought that the imperfections in another cancels out the need for accountability on our part. We close our connections by simply walking away and thinking “oh well“…convincing ourselves that the other person overreacted. The blind spots in our self awareness comes into play with us avoiding accountability, indulging in our pride, and yes, upholding the fear of vulnerability.

The number one answer that the builders gave to the question Why are we so bad at apologizing?

Pride and Ego.

Eighty Two percent of builders say their Apology game is STRONG.

Eighteen percent of builders say their Apology game is TRASH.

How is YOUR apology game??

If it takes perfection to activate your accountability then you will effectively escape apology often; you will also escape the ability to mature out of those imperfections.

The infamous reputation of (Apology)

Accountability is Uncomfortable

No one likes to admit when they’re wrong or when they’ve wronged. If we’re not careful we internalize apologizing in a way that tells us we’re bad people; when in fact we’re just flawed. But even admitting we’re flawed in specific ways is too much for some. While we outwardly proclaim that nobody’s perfect, we silently struggle with the lived examples of what imperfection looks like. The spectrum imperfection looks like apologizing and yet, not enough of us do it.

The spirit of pride whispers to us that whatever or whoever isn’t worth the apology. Saying “It’s not that deep,” in an attempt to diminish the situation at hand. This in turns diminishes the other person(s) whose feelings and thoughts were affected by our actions/words. The accountability of it all is a tough pill to swallow. Being face to face with the opportunity to apologize opens us up to some serious self reflection and the hard questions that surround those personal events.

Were you intentionally hurting, dismissing, disrespecting? Was it unintentional? Both questions along with your answers come with their own weight. Weight that many aren’t prepared to carry. It’s too uncomfortable when we think about the ways in which someone else has experienced us negatively. So we stuff down the thought that there’s even a need for an apology in creative ways that are not only harmful to the one(s) deserving of our apology but to our growth as well.

Imperfection Gives us an excuse

We deflect because accountability is uncomfortable; we try avoid it. Finding any excuse to dodge feelings of guilt, remorse, and regret; the easiest way to do this is to focus on the imperfection of the other person or the situation itself. Life doesn’t just cleanly happen, so we find ourselves often in situations where the other person may be wrong on some level as well. Factors surrounding the situation could also act as an influencer on the negative display of our actions/words and the need for an apology.

When we decide to take this morsel of truth and stretch it out in an elaborate excuse by saying “I mean I was wrong but they weren’t right either.” or “It’s really not on me because (insert outside factor)…We deny ourselves an opportunity to grow and yes, be the bigger person. We can acknowledge the facts of a thing and still hold ourselves accountable for the ways we participated and contributed to the final results. The results could mean hurting someone or mishandling a particular situation, person etc…If it takes perfection to activate your accountability then you will effectively escape apology often; you will also escape the ability to mature out of those imperfections. The blind spots in our self awareness may only come to light when others are negatively affected by our actions/words; if we don’t pay attention to this then we will never fully see the truth of who we are. Effectively being blind to ourselves.

Tip: When someone explains to you how they felt this is not an attack nor does it negate your apology. They could still be processing your apology and informing you on exactly what it is you’re apologizing for. You should not immediately go into defense mode.

The Naked Truth

To apologize often means we care enough about the other person’s feeling to bypass the pride, admit the imperfection, and don the accountability; this is also why I believe many don’t do it. We show we care on some level when we offer this mental and emotional work; we’re vulnerable in apologizing and sometimes not even asking for forgiveness. Ideally, we want to apologize no matter the person but some may find it easier to offer a “my bad” to a stranger than to a friend, lover, or family member. Holding back that part of us that is honest and transparent for the fear of truly being seen as anything other than what we present. If I’m always presenting myself as someone who is confident and sure of themselves then I may find it hard to admit that I’m wrong.

Others may see this simple human flaw as an opportunity to discount me in the future and deny the image I project for them to buy into. Fear drives so much of our avoidance even when we’re confident people; even when we feel self aware. I don’t want this person to know I cared that much or that I’m imperfect in that way. We’re afraid to be real although we claim to what nothing but realness. We have some work to do.

Well I messed up so bad I know she/he isn’t going to forgive me.

We’ve gotten into the habit of either expecting forgiveness upon apology or avoiding apology because we don’t expect forgiveness. It is imperative that we recognize that accountability is one of the most important reasons we should apologize and not always think this is a golden ticket back into good graces. This understanding can also be used to follow through with the act of apology too. Many factors may come into play with a personal apology. The person may still be processing your actions and their emotions. For this reason they need time to offer genuine forgiveness; they could be angry still, or may not believe forgiveness is something they can offer based on the offense.

That doesn’t give you the green light to opt out of the apology. I’m not talking to you serial apologizers who abuse the word and the action with repeated offense. For regular situations and non-maniuplative reasons, apology should be offered even when forgiveness may not be. Some hate the idea and phrase of “YOU OWE AN APOLOGY.”

As if you are in a debt that can only be paid in full by an “I’m Sorry,” but there’s truth there. You have cost that person something for those offended and affected by your wrong. It could be peace of mind, money, opportunity, trust; you name it by the offense. You are in a special kind of debt to repay what you cost them and sometimes the price of an apology is the cheaper way out than you deserve.

Sloppy Apology

Stop saying sorry for shit you’re not sorry for

Stop saying sorry for shit you’re not accountable for

And Stop giving half ass apologies then acting Fake shocked when the offended party gets more offended by your sloppiness

“My bad”

“You know I ain’t mean it.”

“It was just a joke, damn you’re sensitive but sorry then.”

Like WTF is any of that? Because I know what it’s NOT, an apology. Again, accountability is the secret ingredient in a sincere apology so if you’re not going to fully accept responsibility for your offense then don’t do it. The sloppy apology is a cheap way to continue the cycle of avoidance. Another attempt to excuse yourself by saying you tired to apologize but it didn’t work so the problem isn’t you. It’s all deflection because you’re not honest in your self reflection.

Time is also NOT an apology. Time can be a buffer and needed space to process through the emotions but it does not serve as a way to apologize simply because you’re choosing not to actually deal with the situation. How can you process through something you refuse to even acknowledge. This is the same reason why speaking on your part in the fuck up is important. You’re letting the person know you understand what your actions were and attempting to understand how they impacted another; accountability isn’t just for your personal growth but is the truest way to move forward.

Apologizing just to shut someone up is also not effective especially if the person can sniff out the bullshit. FYI.

Let’s Get Better at apologizing as we build up the skills of adulthood that makes us the best versions of ourselves.

I started thinking about how jarring it is to discover that you’re disliked by someone.

These days people don’t come out and say

”I don’t like you.”

Well…that’s actually never been the case.

Think about the southern charm insults exchanged over tea or mouse-like whisperers spreading gossip through gloved hands. People don’t SAY they don’t like you; they show you.

When that happens a lot of us feel personally accountable for others people’s opinions about who we are or what we lack. Our feelings get hurt when we hear so & so aren’t feeling our natural vibe and many times we go on the defense. We try to explain why we’re ok with being disliked without ever really buying into our own words. There’s power in dislike and here’s why we should believe that being disliked is ok:

 

I’d rather be a B.I.T.C.H

The truth is sometimes we simply don’t want people to dislike us because we’re people pleasers that have a need to feel validated in our roles. That can begin to box you in; causing you to act as a Chamaeleon. You constantly change yourself to fit into to any role, void, position that other people need. This ensures that you’ll always be accepted, it also ensures you’ll never be your true self.

For me, if there’s a choice between fitting in or standing out. I’d rather be the bitch that doesn’t fit in because at least I’ll recognize myself. We killed the “good girl” long ago for that very reason.

6246F122-8F30-4B21-861B-E6973F0E9E86

Caught in a Moment

Being disliked by someone is sometimes reflective of a bad experience or moment they had with you. They caught you in a moment when you weren’t your best self.

When I reflect back on situations in which I wasn’t my best self I try to be kind. Understanding back story and internal struggle  allows for me to do that. If someone was on the receiving end of that moment and decided then and there that I was not their cup of tea then I can’t fault them. I’m still guilty of steering clear of some people for that thing they said or action that rubbed me the wrong way.

That’s basic human nature in being cautious.
It is not my job to force a change of opinion but to understand their reason while remembering that I am so much more than that moment. They may never know that and that’s ok too.

 

I wasn’t placed here to be well liked by everyone.

Explore the “Why”

You do have a responsibility to reflect and improve on character flaws that get called out on the regular. While being disliked is a natural part of life, being okay with deep rooted character flaws that negatively impact others shouldn’t be. If there’s truth in someone’s disdain for you then explore how you can improve; not for them but for you to be best version of yourself. It’s not always then…sometimes it IS you. Sometimes you may be disliked for legitimate reasons.

Other times it could be based on those insecurities others struggle with in themselves. Maybe that person doesn’t like a trait in you because it reminds them of what they lack. Often this is the go to answer when we find out we aren’t someone’s cup of tea; it’s an actual thing that should be remembered once we feel the distance off another person.

One other reason why we are disliked is simply because we don’t fit into any role or need for that persons life. We all have that funny friend, the sweet friend, the flaky friend…based on our personalities we mesh with some people and we benefit in some way from their presence in our lives.

If you aren’t immediately beneficial then usually you’re not needed; to me dislike would be a strong word to use for it but I often discovered in my own life that people who dislike me usually don’t understand me. I don’t present myself as one clear-cut role player and therefore I’m not easily placed as useful in their lives. This quality intrigues many people and for others it keeps them at arms distance; unsure on whether to dislike me so they just disregard me instead.

322F7913-7E5E-48BB-A158-7DAA92709D6D

Let go of opinionated Extras

Adversity from those who dislike me has crafted my resilience while strengthening the trust I place on my decision making and personal opinions. Being disliked by a few is a part of my journey to becoming the trailblazer I need to be.

The fact of whether someone likes you as a person or not is really just a matter or their opinion. Usually that person or persons are not even essential players in your life; they’re extras. If those opinions don’t directly affect your money or relationships then just allow it to be what it is.

A while ago, many a night had past when I scraped over that wrong thing I said or the way my anxiety affected my behavior. In those moments I didn’t remember myself accurately; what was vivid in my mind however were the faces of the people who decided at some unfortunate moment that they didn’t like me. Maybe they decided I was lame or fake.

They’d made up in their minds that I was unimpressive and dull.

Many a night I stayed up wondering how I could be disliked simply by being my honest self even in my not-so-great moments…until one night I just accepted that I’m not for everyone and everyone is not for me and went TF to sleep. Because you don’t like me and I’m ok with that.


Hey Builders! How do you handle being disliked? I’d love to talk with you! Leave a comment, like & share!

 

7DCE02CE-BF31-49B1-9E7C-DDAB247568A5

FOLLOW LBF: Instagram lets_build_futures or kantoinette_theblogger

 

 

 

 

My greatest moments were born from my greatest discomforts.

I’ve been pushed, pulled, and dragged into situations that I felt ill-prepared for and totally blindsided by; yet it’s those moments where I had to dig deep within myself that I discovered what I was made of. I am a combination of glitter, warmth, creativity, and boss shit.

Having to be uncomfortable, on my own, in situations that required me to perform has been some of the best life lessons I’ve experienced.

 

Comfort is…Comfortable 

Many people prefer comfort. Hell, even I love a good, solid routine that doesn’t kick up the dust of my anxiety. Needing discomfort is a real thing though. It is a necessity that doesn’t feel so great in the moment but does the most good for our growth.

Growing in a hard place allows you to rely on your natural abilities unlike a comfortable place. With comfort comes resources and assistance. With discomfort comes self awareness and reliance. Being pushed to know what your capabilities are, your strengths, your skills, your weaknesses are all lessons learned through discomfort. Reflecting inward to discover your internal resources is a gift that will continue to benefit you across all environments.

There’s so much growth in your discomfort. You learn yourself more when you’re not settled into a comfortable routine that encourages stagnation.

Discomfort can be growth.

 

Discomfort of nonconformity

As a natural outlier, discomfort is a part of my day to day life. The same is true for many of you. This discomfort of never quite fitting in or being what others expect has led to the revelation that I often seek acceptance as a people pleaser. I want to be liked. I want to belong. The topic question:

What have your greatest discomforts taught you about yourself?”

Allowed me to dig deep into other people’s brains and discover even more ways that discomfort has been a teacher in my own life. One response centered on nonconformity. Naturally having a personality that can seem too much or too little for the majority. You make attempts to dull yourself down to make who you are palatable. We want acceptance.

5E040599-88F0-487B-AE10-9455F55DF39F

Yet, how can we form true friendships and relationships if like an iceberg we’re only revealing 20% of ourselves. I understand the need to stuff down parts of you not meant to be shared with the group but it’s a fine line to walk. Hiding who you are in advoidance of others being uncomfortable just means you aren’t accepting who you are just as they aren’t . If my laughter makes you uncomfortable, that’s a problem you have to deal with. If my independence makes you uncomfortable then I suggest you figure out why. If me just simply being me without disrespecting you makes you feel a way; then you’re just going to always be uncomfortable. I hate to say it. *in my KeKe Palmer voice*  Don’t allow others to encourage being uncomfortable with yourself.

Know that acceptance starts with you. Some people will simply not be equipped to perform that level of acceptance and that’s another great lesson the discomfort of nonconformity can teach: F*** what other people think.

Seeing a direct correlation between my self-acceptance and the discomfort of others with that acceptance is no consequence. Some people will be uncomfortable with the level of freedom you showcase in your self acceptance; again not your problem. The people pleaser in me after many seasons of discomfort is now focused on pleasing only one person.

 

Fear of vulnerability  

Now that I sit in rooms where decisions are made that effect large groups of people I realize that I’m never truly comfortable. Speaking up and out draws attention in a way I still haven’t grown completely fond of. It’s in those moments that I am pushed into the spotlight that I have to work with my discomfort to keep me humble while my assertiveness keeps me goal oriented. “I’m not ready” was my mental mantra when I thought about being placed in positions or environments I thought were too massive for me to handle. Projects that seemed enormous compared to my experience and tasks that laughed in the face of my novice approach. How many times have you let discomfort sike you out of an opportunity?

Moments when I buckled down, and pushed my fear of failure aside have sparked creativity, originality, assertiveness, and decisiveness in me in a way nothing else could.

The experience of performing while uncomfortable forced me to get to know myself internally so that I could focus my energy in the right direction externally. Discomfort has been my greatest teacher. I was uncomfortable when I decided to leave home and go to college; first generation 4-year student in my family. I earned friends, knowledge, and a degree from that experience. I was uncomfortable when I got off the bus at basic training knowing that I had to rely on my mental strength to keep me resilient for the next 5 months. That experience showed me my own strength, independence, and it was one of the first true glances I saw of my quiet leadership style. There’s a job right now that you’re afraid to take because the change of routine would be uncomfortable for you. There’s someone right now wanting to spend time but the thought of getting close to anyone make you squirm a little, it makes you uncomfortable.

See, discomfort  doesn’t just happen on the job or workforce. It happens in our homes, in our beds, in our hearts.

CFB6A69E-6A10-4ED0-967D-749C7E441255

Our disdain for discomfort spans into the relationships of our lives even intimate ones. Allowing others to come as close and dig as deep as we’re “comfortable” with. This surface level love is the reason why we don’t feel fulfilled in our engagements with others because how could someone truly know us if we don’t show them? How can we expect others to love us as deeply as we desire when we’ve locked certain places off to them because the thought of sharing those hidden skeletons is too uncomfortable. Noticing that discomfort and allowing it to make you aware is necessary; pushing pass it to reveal what lies underneath is also necessary. 

 

Transition

Discomfort throughout my life has propelled my ambition to get to a comfortable place whether that happens through acceptance, hard work, or a change of scenery. Discomfort usually means I’m in a transitional period of life. If I successfully make it through I will find the comfort I’ve been longing for on the other side but if I allow the discomfort to distract or deter me; I’ll never get the lesson and growth meant for me.

Discomfort is the teacher that calls on you even when your hand wasn’t raised. It’s the friend that tells you to pay attention. Discomfort can be a red flag or caution light. My greatest moments were born from my greatest discomforts. Progressing through my moments of discomfort has allowed me to get to greener grass. The start of a new job, the conversation you were afraid to have, the boundaries that were uncomfortable to set. Think about it.

Discomfort is not only the feeling but the spotlight being drawn to a place that requires your focus. Why are you uncomfortable? Where does that discomfort lead? Asking ourselves these questions can help us to build the best lessons even from our discomforts. Isn’t that what life is all about?

Hey Builders! What have your discomforts taught you most about yourself?

2C9A5ED1-4B4C-4746-9F43-0BC35D5A2BE8

FOLLOW THE BLOG ON THE GO