“My job better hope I never win the lottery, or I’m OUT!”
and in truth they better hope I never win the lottery…(I don’t even play)

But there’s so many things I’m blessed with when it comes to my career. A point I missed often in this last year…this caused me to think on other situations in which I allowed myself to complain unapologetically.

Moving into a new decade causes us to look back and reflect on our experiences and growth. In my reflection the last 10 years were riddled with up and downs, choices, and a magnitude of self awareness that has helped to put me on the track to becoming a woman worth my admiration.

Buried in this reflection, however, was the reality that many of my situations and negative experiences were magnified by my matured complaint addiction. Don’t sit there and act like you don’t know what I mean; how many times have you found yourself complaining about a situation before it even happens? Conflating complaining with venting and only leaving ourselves more drained than before. When did we get addicted? How did complaining become the drug that so many of us can’t get enough of?

As with many uncomfortable, unpleasant, or otherwise unsatisfactory situations; we search for distractions to alleviate not only discomfort but often personal responsibility. There’s nothing worse than realizing that you were a part of the cause for your own pain or discomfort so we turn to complaining to avoid the blame. There are several situations I look back to where I’m not proud of my behavior. Instead of acknowledging how my anxiety crippled my ability to perform under disingenuous leadership I turned to my drug of choice, complaining.

I complained about how things should go, what I felt I deserved and ALL the shortcomings of others. The potency of my drug clouded my judgment and blinded me to the shortcomings of my own that aided in my discomfort. I complained about family, finances, work, friends, lovers…nothing was off limits. What I found was the more I indulged, the more I impaired my own view. I took two many hits of the good stuff over the past 10 years and blow the chance to enjoy really amazing opportunities and experiences because I was too focused on complaining about their imperfections. Here are some truths I’ve discovered and will keep in mind going forward:

 

Complaining starts to influence the way you actually see a situation before there’s even a situation:

Sometimes we’re so jaded by our past in a situation that we let it rain dark clouds even when the sun is shining. It’s ok to call out the bullshit and acknowledge when something is lackluster but you have to remember to appreciate the good that’s in there too. Sliver linings remember?…Don’t get so use to complaining that you’re complaining when there’s actually nothing to complain about.

Complaining does nothing to help your anxiety

The only one who can gain control of your anxiety is you. One way to help yourself this year is to distance yourself from complaining so much. Vent when you need to but when your tone and words become more negative than useful understand that your anxiety will follow your led and get amped up too.

A Loss Sense of Control

There may be times when complaining feels like the only thing you can control. You release your anger unabashedly in a fit of hurt and desperation to be heard in a world full of noise. Is this where it started? Memories of childhood scenes flash through my mind as I remember this addiction was seeded long before I understood how the world works. Hearing the frustrations of my family members who often felt powerless in their own lives. Whenever I feel out of control I take a hit or two and plunge deep into my complaint monologue. I suck the air from around me and even influence others within listening distance to join in. In these moments I remind myself I still have control in my choices, to either complain or to get creative after accepting even the harshest realities.

 

Vent versus Complaining

Know the difference. Those people that always want you to think, speak, and act positive no matter what are ones who I am convinced suppress their own emotions. I’m not preaching to anyone not to express your frustrations. Just because you refuse to acknowledge a negative feeling or situation doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist; it just means you’re ignoring which sounds like avoidance to me. Instead of doing that, I give myself permission to vent when I need to. I address the real factual shit that has me in a tissy and I let myself express/explore the range of emotions; usually I come to my own solutions in this venting session with my sister or best friend. It benefits me as a process to figuring my shit out. I’m learning to stop myself before it becomes all negative and pointless.

This year, this new decade let’s make the decision to uplift even the worse situations by choosing to break our addiction to complaining. Trust me, your taste buds will be more lively, colors will seems brighter, and the world will seem clearer.

Let’s Kick out Complaint Addiction in 2020!

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Around the world many people are gearing up for the pending new year. They have their sparkling outfits hanging up in the closest, made plans to kiss when the ball drops and feel a sense of either security or excitement for what their future holds. I was that person last year, and the year before and all the New Years before up until the ones I was too young to remember.

This year I have a sparkly outfit prepared, and I know exactly who I will kiss when the clock strikes 12 but instead of excitement for the New Year, it’s a crushing anxiety that I’ve been feeling. New Years are supposed to be about fresh starts, opportunities and possibilities; Oddly enough it’s those very possibilities that scare me. The next opportunity to be hurt, disappointed. To be sued or disrespected at work. The next opportunity to fail. The rational me knows that the concept of time is relative; New Year’s exist only because we say they do. We count our lives by seasons and hope that when our world stops spinning that time won’t erase us.

I know the idea of a fresh start in the New Year is societal but the sheer collective energy centered on that idea makes it real. And for me it makes it scary. If you take the time to flip through the Let’s Build catalog you’ll see multiple lessons learned last year from the very worse possibilities a year can provide. And quite poetically that year started not long after the New Year’s champagne left my lips in February and progressed until it very nearly defeated me in September. What is there to do when you’re blessed to see another year but not particularly looking forward to it? What makes you look forward to a New Year after a painful one? I went on a hunt to find the answer and in the process worked through my own complicated feelings about 2018-2019.

 

 

Fresh Start

All of society is hitting the reset button so while you could start over at any time during the year; it should be noted that there is a real relationship between your desire to wipe the slate and many things working in your favor to do so. At the top of the list for most people I asked was the fresh start that they felt they’d be given. A fresh start isn’t the same thing as a clean slate but rather a beginning of a new chapter while taking the knowledge of all the old chapters along with you.

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For a newly single mother the idea of a fresh start in a New Year could mean entering 12 more months with the realization that she is doing it on her own and the freedom to do it her way. For someone struggling with health it is a fresh start at new methods, and doctors; the possibility for solid answers. It’s the hope that whispers “this year is the year I feel like myself again.”

My fresh start are new ways to improve at work and cope with stress; it’s trusting in the beauty of life again and not just the pain. The idea that it is possible that I could make 2019 one of the best and trans-formative years of my life. It’s the hope for more laughs than tears and more love-making than arguments. 2019 is the chance to love myself completely while discovering the depths this world has to offer. If I focus on all the dark thoughts then I leave little room for the light in my life. So I choose to hold the old year up to light and examine it; extract what I can and let the rest fall away like ash. Allowing the New Year to resurrect my hope and faith of something more like a phoenix.

 

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Hope and Faith

At the end of it all a New Year is about hope and faith, because you don’t know what lies before you. One wise woman said, “I look forward to a New Year because I get to try again; I get to keep trying. The fact that I’ve been blessed to see another year means I have a mission/purpose I need to fulfill and I have a greater responsibility to get things accomplished because of that.” Regardless of if you’re ready or not you’ll be plunged deep into 365 brand new days. Realistic enough to know they won’t all be sunny but praying that there won’t be too much rain because you have shit you want to do that doesn’t include dark clouds.

 

The New Boo

Entering a New Year after a rough one is much like starting a new relationship after a horrible ex; you can’t enter with chipped shoulders and expectations of a painful ending. You have to allow the New Year to show you who it is while putting in real work of your own to make the relationship work each day. So 2018 hurt you…2019 is a totally different span of time that requires you to give it the love, attention and respect you have always given each New Year. Don’t drag your baggage across your fresh start like leaky trash on white tile. Double bag your shit and move forward because life is going to move regardless. Move with it and build back the trust you had for wonderful possibilities and exciting New years. Happy New Year!

 

What are you look forward to the Most this New Year Builders? Comment Below and Let’s Talk!

 

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Saying Naw, Nope, Uh uh.

Saying No.

Is Hard AF for me.

Instead I’ll say: “Uhhhh, well….maybe…I think I could. Possibly…” Knowing damn well I don’t want to because I effectively have all my money and time planned out weeks in advance. And because people usually solicit from those categories; I always find myself in a bind. With my mouth saying Yes but my mind screaming…

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The problem is there were no sacrifices that went unmade when it came to my mother and sisters giving me everything they could.

How could I justify saying no to them or anyone just because I didn’t want to do it or give it when they never said no unless they didn’t have it to give.

The women in my life are the epitome of selflessness so I naturally thought that this is what I should be like in all things. Because isn’t that what they teach you in the bible after all?

So what was wrong with me to have the itch to say no that I couldn’t scratch without feeling like a dirty person.

No one ever showed me a healthy balance of self-care and selflessness so I wandered through life saying Yes or giving bogus excuses because I desperately wanted to say no.

The message I was given was that you shared everything you had (except my mom’s chocolate World’s famous candy bar with the nuts in it that I ate that one time; it was NOT meant to be shared apparently, SORRY MOM!)

Time, money, attention, clothes, food… you name it, you share it.

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Boss: Would you mind switching days off because of blah, blah, blah

Me: Sure! (even though I had planned to see my boyfriend out-of-town that weekend)

The message that I’ve uncomfortably stumbled upon after years of pulling my teeth to always say yes is that sometimes always saying yes or giving is not practical.

It certainly was not practical for me to give valuable resources like time and money while trying to get on my feet in my young adult life, to things I didn’t benefit from. It especially wasn’t practical in giving when I barely had or giving before I could enjoy it myself.

One thing I’ve realized is that in order to propel the next generation of my family forward I must break the cycle of saying yes without thought.

Saying yes or I’ll see (that turned into every best effort to provide it for each other) is the natural order of my family. I LOVE it. AND…I HATE it. I’m the oddball that felt compelled to say no in certain areas.

But here’s why I do it now without feeling like a shitty person…

 

Reason #1

My plate runneth over.

My schedule is actually more planned out than I get credit for. This includes working two jobs, blogging, grocery shopping, laundry, taking care of my kitten, remembering to feed myself and yes, down time.

Aka Adulting which is hard AF

I have no room to do X,Y and Z for LMNOP without cutting myself short in one of the above areas.

People assume because I don’t have kids or a husband that I have free time.

While I have more free time outside of others in this situation that doesn’t mean that it’s not importantly planned. Even if that plan includes catching up on sleep or writing my blog post. Often times it includes both of those things because I need to revive myself with some TLC before I can continue to conquer the world.

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So yes, I may choose to spend a day or two with myself instead of driving home and spending my entire day off running after my adorable nieces and nephews.

I use to feel like an awful person, Auntie, and Sister for this until Christmas came around and I was able to get them what they really wanted due to my savings I worked hard for and thanks to time I spent rejuvenating between jobs.

Don’t misunderstand me, quality time has no price tag but I don’t have to feel bad for not spending all my free time like I use to.

Plus, one day I will have a family of my own  so I want all the maximum ME time I can get before it’s stolen from me and replaced with the title of mother and wife.

Sis: Are you coming to visit on Friday? You’re off right?

Me: Naw. Imma just chill at home.

 

Reason #2

I don’t want to.

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My friends (and boyfriend) tell me no all the time and I’m fascinated with the ease of how it rolls off their tongue.

No, Krystal I am not going camping with you.”

“No Krystal I’m not showing you that.”

“No Krystal, I’m not eating that, it smells bad; what’s wrong with you?”

So now I think twice before just saying yes just to say it. I first ask myself, Do I really care or does this interest me?

Then, is this worth time/money? Do I have something I’d enjoy more? How will this effect the other things I need to do?

After asking myself these questions in the span of 2 seconds from the time my friend asked me to drive 2 hours to party with her; I can then say “No, but thanks for asking me.”

Without feeling like she or I are losing out on anything important.

Simply put, saying No frees up valuable space for a possible Yes to something better.

It’s all a balancing act.

 

Reason #3

The”Yes” constantly requires more work on my part

If I have to give up time, money or energy constantly by saying Yes to situations (or persons) in which I don’t benefit from at all; then I will reconsider that Yes and turn it into a firm NO from that point on.

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Reason #4

I need a chance to grow and say Yes to my own life.

Years ago, months ago; I use to feel ashamed at how much stuff I felt compelled to say no to. It got to the point where me attempting to say no only resulted in a reluctant yes filled with animosity, anxiety, and self-hatred because I felt like I was a selfish person who didn’t deserve my loved ones.

Now that I’m months more mature (Ha) I realize that it is necessary for me to say no to certain things in order to place myself in a position to say Yes when it can be truly effective.

Right Now…

Niece: Will you buy me an Iphone?

Me: You got Iphone money? (Black mother/aunties way of saying no)

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Future…

Niece: Will you help me get a car

Me: Yea, I got you. I’ve been saving up for this moment.

 

The hardest people to say no to is family. Personally, I often feel as though I owe them for any success I get due to their constant love and support. This is true. But in allowing myself to grow and climb before I “yes” them to death; I can actually build up something in which the Yes will change the course of our lives.

Financial liberation often comes once an individual learns how to care for themselves emotionally and mentally. Taking the time to do this for myself will benefit not only me but my loved ones as well.

 

ALWAYS saying Yes is not the equivalent of I LOVE YOU.

I have a small suspicion that most women say yes because they want to be viewed as kind, nurturing, and selfless. Most importantly, we use it as a way to show our love to others. So we give yeses away without regard to how we’re going to sustain ourselves. I’ve struggled with this mentality and I’m sure the woman in my life have too.

Self Care versus Selflessness.

Saying yes to please someone you love or make them happy is often necessary. In life you’re not going to just go through it only doing what benefits you; however, you should understand that saying no doesn’t mean you love them less.

Sometimes it just means that you love yourself enough to say yes to the things that you want and need even if it translates as a “No” to the spin class your sister signed you up for on Monday night. Your mental health prefers that you stay in bed watching Supernatural and eating a bowl of rocky road.

No judgement.

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I want to leave you with a quote:

When you say yes to others, make sure you are not saying no to yourself

-Paulo Coelho

or at least not too often.

Just as we budget our money in the New Year after a realization that we can only make that dollar stretch so far; we should also budget ourselves. You’re a limited, beautiful, hot commodity. Treat yourself as such.

 

*I want to give you free stuff! Don’t forget to enter my gift giveaway by commenting on or sharing your favorite Let’s Build post*

Alright, Alright…You guys got me. I’ll be doing a GIFT GIVEAWAY 😊😆🤯🎁🎉

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All you have to do is share one of your favorite LET’S BUILD blog posts and tag me to enter OR visit my blog and comment on your favorite post. You can even screenshot your share and email it, TOO EASY.  I’ll do a live raffle of the winners on Christmas Eve. How awesome is that?! Present Let’s Build followers and commenters will automatically be entered into the raffle (Thank you Builders for your support and feedback, YOU’RE AMAZING)!

Voice recorder watch, beautiful laptop bags and Krispy Kreme gift cards🍩…Are you as excited as I am?! #LETSBUILD

Email: waltonkrystal@ymail.com for questions

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ahhhh, it’s that time of year again for the phrase heard around the world.

Come on. You know the one. You’ve even used it before.

NEW YEAR, NEW ME ringing any bells? Well, I’ve decided that instead of attempting to construct a new me; I will just revamp the ME that’s already here!

(I’m Pretty damn awesome already)

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CAUTION: Self Love often mistaken for Selfishness Ahead

 

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I don’t want to make a truck load of changes that I may or may not stick with. I’d rather dedicate this next year to focusing on the most important person in my life.

Again, ME.

Investing in the things that matter to my present and future self could make a world of difference this year.

I came up with this “brilliant” idea one day while contemplating all of the important things I had set up for my 9-5 in January.

All the meetings I needed to take, the phone calls/emails I needed to send out and the programs for the community that would make a difference in others getting a jump-start to their year.

But what about me? What about the real goals that I want to accomplish this year just for myself? Those are just as important. But those things need my TLC as well. Shit, I need some TLC!

So, I decided to not only be the worker bee but Queen Bee.

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I’m spending the month of January setting myself up for success by focusing on my needs, wants and everything in-between. Investing time and money into myself is what this is all about.

All while being unapologetic of course. I hope you decide to do the same.

 

Here’s the tea.

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Financial Empowerment

I started the infamous envelope challenge this December. Basically, I take cash out of my account for bills I don’t pay online. I budget reasonable amounts and place it into envelopes just for groceries, gas, eating out, personal care, rainy day car expenses, and my personal allowance.

NO Cross Sharing cash between envelopes!

I have to say that sticking with this budget isn’t easy but knowing exactly where my hard-earned coins are going has helped me develop a real relationship that treats my doubloons with respect.

Now I don’t get anxiety every time I swipe or constantly worry about being broke when I’m not. Instead, I think long and hard, REAL HARD, before handing over my precious.

This step is important in me getting the most from my money. Now, I actually check my bank account and open my bank statements rather than dodge them like I do the guys in Wal-Mart. My money is working for me now.

Finances and Anxiety under control (Check!)

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Boosting My Passions and Interests

New Blog Look Coming Soon!

Investing into something I am truly passionate about will be the best kick off to the New Year. I’ve placed money aside to upgrade my blog space (YAY) and I’ve also budgeted money to design informational packages for my Let’s Build Mentoring program. I will send these packages to guidance counselors and school officials attempting to garner a partnership.

If you have a business you’re interested in starting up or an endeavor you want to explore; DO IT!

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“But I’m broke”

Okay, listen Linda, tax season is around the corner so set some of that money aside to invest in your interests. OR save up, because it’s worth exploring what interests you and not just working for someone else’s dream or goals.

Making Boss Moves (Check)!

 

Getting My Mind Right

Mental health

I’ve found free sessions with a psychologist who can give me the tools I need to better overcome the mental blocks I face and the anxiety that I deal with.

*Military personnel or families of military personnel can get 6 free sessions for issues they face through military one source Phone: 800-342-9647*

I can get free sessions for anxiety and then turn around and get another 6 free sessions for grief or quarter life crisis https://letsbuildfutures.com/2017/12/12/the-ghost-of-crisis-past/

 

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Spiritual Health

Walks in the park, massages, reading in a quiet little coffee shop; all these things make me feel closer to God because they focus my energy inward. So, I’ve carved out time to do these things to keep my inner self happy and connected.

 

 

This past year I gave all my free time away like Krispy Kreme Hot Sign doughnuts. The more I gave, the more I was expected to give.

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but taking time for myself will give me the energy I need to fully be there for others when they really need.

For you it may be going to church, or hiking….either way make sure you give yourself ample time every week to draw on something bigger than yourself.

Happy, Healthy Me (Check)!

 

 

Ball TF out!

I’m that person who hesitates in spending money on myself but when it comes to my family I throw money and all my free time at them.

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Not this New Year.

I started taking better care of myself in 2017 but I definitely still held back.

I gave 110% to my civilian job

110% to my military job

110% to my family and friends

2% to me/my interests (OKAY….maybe I’m being dramatic but you get the point)

I will be blowing the dust off of my vacation days from work this year.

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I now realize that if I juice everything around me up and don’t give myself time to recharge then nothing gets done. It’s okay to take that mini vacation especially if your work ethic is on point.

My boss, My family and My friends will just have to understand. I will be a little more selfish than they’re use to this year. And it all starts with my birthday in which I will RUN TF OUT.

Because why not? I’ve never heavily splurged on myself because I’m always money conscious but as this birthday approaches I realize that I will only get one chance at my 20s; so why not make the most of them in working hard AND having fun?

“Krystal, you’re so extra.”

Me: “You damn right I am!”

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We always go into the New Year with intentions to change the things we don’t like about ourselves weight, food habits, that pinkie toe that’s a little weird-looking

BUT

why not celebrate what we do like and enjoy.

You don’t have to make a million resolutions you know damn well you’re not gonna stick with. You can, however, pick out the things in your life that bring you joy and focus on that this year because a happier you IS a healthier YOU.

 

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Answers Phone: “New Year, Enhanced Me…Who dis?!”

Loving on Myself (Check)!