Sis; (n) A person that needs to hear some real shit.

There’s an old country saying that lies deep within the black community.

“Sweep ’round yo door first, before you try to sweep ’round mine.”



I can still smell grandma’s fire engine red nail polish as this statement rolled off her tongue like lightning. It took some growing for me to understand what she meant as I eased dropped on “grown folk bidness.”

She was simply saying this, fix your shit first before you try and fix others around you.

Gangsta shit granny. I knew I got it from somewhere.

It is easy to point out the flaws of other people and the damage that those flaws create but when was the last time you inventoried your own toxic traits?

I don’t mean to snatch edges but…..

Are you checking yourself? Are you truly holding yourself accountable for your actions; taking the steps needed to be emotionally and mentally mature?


Toxic Unaccountability

For months I’ve been stewing in the reality that my professional career, which was much like a family, took little to no notice of all the hardships and tragedies I faced during the past year under their gaze. I mean damn could I get a little compassion maybe. It became increasingly easy for me to call out a lack of leadership, organization and all other toxic traits that feed into a work environment so undesirable everyone’s face looks like this on a typical day…



But once I added up everyone else’s faults, it still didn’t equal our professional downfall. It wasn’t until I could admit that I hadn’t been the best employee that I was able to forgive, move forward and grow.

Admitting that because of how grief and trauma affect the brain, I found it hard to focus on tasks for longer than 30 minutes at a time. Admitting that I had failed those under me in many of the same ways my superiors had failed me. Admitting that though I had understandable reasons for my dull performance, it still added to the very problems I complained too frequently about.

I started to wonder what toxic traits I possessed that feed into my displeasure with life.


Toxic Trait #1 Unrealistic Communication Expectations

Owning up to my flaws opened up a whole new understanding of many of the situations that left me slightly frayed. I began reviewing how I completely end communication once I feel as though I’ve said all that I have to say (that has backfired on me several times). Often, I usually only say what is comfortable for me to talk about and for the other person to hear. I don’t live up to the full honesty that I preach; instead, I leave the conversation with things unsaid. Expecting the very person/people who were bad at communicating in the first place to pick up the slack or suddenly become experts in deep conversation. How Sway?

So now I remind myself that while I’m great in communication in most areas, I need work in others. Allowing room for growth and making sure that I’m fully honest when I speak. In that way, I’m leaving nothing for the other person to pick up so if I chose to leave the conversation, I’m leaving it having done the very things I asked of them. I will no longer be a hypocrite.


Toxic Trait #2 Mistaking my anxiety for a “temper problem”

Me: “My temper is getting worse and I’m not holding back anything, anymore.”

No baby girl, your anxiety has gotten worst  and you need to address that shit before you miss out on life.

For years I’ve struggled with what I can now identify as anxiety. Anxiety is nothing but fear of future events with another name. When I was 11 it was fear of going to school with hand-me-down clothes and dark-skin; knowing I’d be either bullied or overlooked. When I was 14 it was fear of not measuring up to societal ideas of beauty. When I was 23 it was fear of never breaking the wheel of generational poverty due to financial uncertainty and limited career options. Some days I’m 11 again. Some days I’m 14 or 23. Now at 28, I fear to lose those closest to me, I fear not being seen or valued. I fear the worse in people or situations before I give them a chance but I call it being cautious.

Yes, I’m snatching my own edges in this too!

I didn’t allow myself to admit that I was afraid because growing up there was no room for fear, you were either strong enough or you’d be eaten by the wolves in the classroom, in the workplace or in the dating world, even at home.

Becoming a Soldier only solidified my thirst for strength and denial of anything that wouldn’t make me seem brave. But admitting that I am afraid, ALL THE TIME, yet I still persevere  and reach for my dreams, is the bravest thing I can do. Letting go of the celebration of intrigue that surrounds female anger and instead, doing the work to address my anxieties has allowed me to accomplish goals at an alarming rate. I now do this…

ME: Why are you angry

me: Because things are so unorganized

ME: Why does un-organization make you angry

me: Because I’m afraid we won’t succeed

ME: So you’re afraid?…

me: Yes, I guess so

ME: How can we fix that?

Yes, having lengthy conversations with yourself can help you understand your personality in so many different areas including your flaws and strengths.


Are you checking yourself? Are you truly holding yourself accountable for your actions; taking the steps needed to be emotionally and mentally mature?


When you point one finger, you got three…

It’s always going to be easier to place the blame somewhere else because it frees you from the responsibility of having to fix it. It’s scary to throw your own self under the bus. I get it. Still, it is necessary for you to mature as a person. Of course, special cases don’t apply; there will be those who are so oblivious to their faults and reluctant to change even with all the knowledge and resources available.

I chose not to fight that battle so much anymore. I communicate my thoughts completely, honestly and leave them for consumption. I have bigger concerns at the moment because the more I do the work on myself, the more I realize that my hands are too full to even have a finger available to point at others.


Do the work, Fix Yo Shit

Today there are too many avenues that you can take in order to fix your shit. Researching your good and not-so-great traits help to give you a better understanding of them. Going to counseling is also another method I advocate heavily for because there are some things you need to talk about with someone who isn’t biased based on knowing you. Counselors can give professional insights and actively listen to you. Just doing something as simple as writing a mental or physical list of the improvements you should make will ensure that you stay on the path to becoming a well-rounded, mature adult.

Let’s build better personalities, mental health, and personal inventories!

Hey Builders! What are some of your toxic traits and how are you working on them?



Sis; (n) A person that needs to hear some real shit.

Every couple of months you can peek through my apartment window and see chairs flying across the room, tables being moved and bed sets being tossed out. Why?…I actually just discovered the answer to this myself. I do a process I like to call Fuck it Feng Shui in which I vigorously rearrange my furniture and bedding in an attempt to improve my mood and the energy of my apartment.




Have you ever walked into a place and the “energy” just felt off? There’s this heavy and often dark atmosphere; kinda like the eerie feeling horror movies give you when someone walks into a haunted house. That’s how it feels in my apartment after some shit has gone down in my life. The air just becomes stagnant and I’m haunted by the intense crying I did in my bed or the couch I was sitting on when I received bad news. It is also linked to my need for change and control as I feng shui my life during periods of monotony or stagnation. I have been doing this for YEARS before I even knew what the hell a feng shui was and would often just kick myself out of my moping by saying “FUCK IT! I’M GONNA MOVE SOME SHIT AROUND TO GET THIS BAD ENERGY OUT!” So if you’re feeling down try moving some shit around.


How to Fuck it Feng Shui

Switch up Your bedding

Nothing lightens my spirits more than placing freshly washed sheets and a new plush (or previously used but not used in a while) comforter on my bed. The look and feel of my room changes immediately and gives me the feeling of a new, positive outlook on life. Yes, bedding can do that.



Rearrange Shit

I literally just switched my couch and entertainment/TV  to the opposite sides of where they originally were. I inverted them after walking into my living room and feeling like I had walked into a museum. Stale air, dark shadows and weird smells (ok, maybe that smell was seeping from the kitchen trash). Air freshener plugins help with that, or just taking out the trash.

Once I switched the furniture, it felt like so much space opened up in my living room. Light is now able to stream through the balcony door directly to the couch no matter the time of day. The position of the couch also allows me to see in all directions of the apartment so I don’t get that creepy, I’m here alone and my back is towards the hallway feeling.



Rethink Additional Pieces

I also moved some personal pieces and artwork around to utilize the now open space in the living room. I want to make it clear that I do this all based off questions like “Do I like this here, Does looking at this make me happy?” I ask myself these sorts of questions all based on how the placement of these things make me feel in a positive way. I don’t have some popular book about feng shui, minimalism, or tidying up. By simply placing my favorite piece of artwork directly in view from when I walk into the door to when I sit on the couch, I am improving my mood subconsciously every time I walk into that room. I also place my book shelf where I felt “cozy” to read at. Removing a dark area rug also helped to bring a brightness to the room that makes the whole space feel much lighter than it previously did.



I am able to change my apartment around and especially my bedding, because I reuse my favorite comforters, sheets, and decorative pillows over, and over again. I have about four really great comforters that vary in size, style, color and weight. By pulling one out after a few months it feels like a have something completely new when the reality is that I have something old. But it works!


Do you Fuck it Feng Shui ?

Fuck it Feng Shui is not spring cleaning or something placed on a schedule set by the stars. It’s a feeling. Fuck it Feng Shui can be a reflection of what’s going on in your life as  you might find yourself doing it to gain a sense of peace in reclaiming a space and making it your own. Ensuring that the space reflects the best of your life through warm, bright invitation and not the worst is how you can look forward to going home after a long day. Knowing that with a few tweaks here and there you have a place that is truly the escape and solace you need.


Hey Builders! What are some ways you do your own Fuck it Feng Shui? Comment below and Let’s Talk about it!