Phone wet.

Lips & elbows moisturized.

Curls Juicy.

DMs Drippin’.

The next hurricane should be named “Krystal”

The only things dry are my eyes.

 

In the DRY Season, I went through a drought in the dating world which allowed me to focus on my healing and creativity in a way that was more beneficial than harmful. Though it was a choice I started to long for the touch-n-go flirtations, cute dates, and nighttime phone conversations that make a girl feel all tingly on the inside.

In the drought, my phone stayed charged.

BUT

In the WET Season, it’s raining men and I am here for every drop. Well…not every drop. There’s something truly powerful about being able to flex my feminine energy over the salacious attempts of men. Returning into the dating world or even returning a mildly interesting DM slide is a new venture for me. At age 28 I’m just learning how to date.

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The Sunken Place of Dating

I started to get the “sO WhEn ArE yOu GoNa StArt DaTiNG Again?” questions that still make me wanna break out in hives purposely just to physically display my discomfort with the mere thought. However, the question did cause me to reflect on a very unique truth: I had never really learned how to date. Through various entanglements of relationships, situationships, and WhatTheFuckIsThisBullshitShips I sort of rolled like a tumbleweed from one person to eventually the next. Good chemistry and humor were more than enough for me to settle and set up shop for a while.

That’s just not the case now and so I am forced to partake in the dating scene that I’ve avoided like a Jehovah’s witness ever since my first major breakup at age 20. As a grown woman,  it takes more than mere likable traits to get me to glance; it takes a whole person.

A healed person.

Though I still think of the dating world as “the sunken place,” I find myself enjoying not wanting to belong to one person for the first time in my life. I’ve been a hopeless romantic searching for my soulmate since age 11; it’s nice to finally give my heart a much-needed break.

 

Hot Girl Fall

The third quarter of the year is when I truly shine. While everyone was screaming Hot Girl Summer I was waiting for what I knew would be a hot, steamy fall. During the third quarter of the year, the universe is like the best friend that hypes me up. The energy that surrounds me during the fall season is like a natural pheromone that lures potential mates to me. It’s an indescribable oneness that allows me to celebrate myself with others hoping to win me over. This is not meant to sound selfish but instead, it is empowering to know you’re the shit and then to have others pursue you based on this truth. As a perpetual outlier it’s nice to once again be the center of attention; if even for a season.

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Rejuvenate 

This WET Season spills over into my worldview. As I allow others to slightly enter my space, I bring in those new experiences that help to keep me on my creative toes. I thought the idea of having to date again seemed like rain on an already sad parade at first. Having to sift through the DMs, rando text messages, awkward introductions, and infuriating small talk was not how I wanted to spend any seconds of my life.

Now I realize that because I focused on healing in the Dry Season I’m able to enter this new season of adventures with a fresh understanding of who I am, what I want, and more importantly…what I deserve. I am able to appreciate what new people bring to the table and learn from interactions that I would’ve never opened up myself to otherwise. Plus, there’s a magic that feeds into a new first kiss, sexy second dates, or fresh late-night talks about childhood experiences that’s actually quite lovely.

The WET Season isn’t about forcing myself to find love. It isn’t about pushing past my still swollen scars to bed the cutie with the deep voice. This season is about exploration. It’s about allowing myself to discover myself as a woman in every way I feel comfortable. It’s about challenging my boundaries and allowing others to attempt to get an inch or two closer. In this season I am selfish, focusing on my enjoyment, my laughter, my comfort, my heart.

I am drippin’ with confidence.

Letting nothing ever take me back to a place where I’m begging for attention or love like a drop of water in a drought. I make my own rain.

and watch myself bloom.

Hey Builders! Have you ever had a WET Season? What about a DRY Season? Comment below and Let’s talk about it!

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Grab a fresh pack of batteries girls, I’m single. I know; I heard the collective gasp when you read the title but it’s true. I have been flung like a loose booger back into singledom and I wasn’t as prepared as I had previously hyped myself up to be. Not being able to say “I have a boyfriend,” to ward off the creeps has been sorely missed. And while I revel in all the possibilities of life and love that comes with singleness; I find that I am not ready to mingle.

The dating world is a thing of terror for me. I internally scream just thinking about the questions to come “What’s your favorite color?…” “Oh so you G.I. Jane?” and the never disappointing “SO cAn I cOmE tHrOuGh?” said best by Amanda Seales in her HBO special “What are we talking about????!!!” I want real connections but the truth is sometimes you have to put yourself out there and sift through the bullshit before you stumble upon the good stuff.

That’s where I’m drawing the line, as previously discussed in burned out to a crisp, I don’t have the energy or the willpower to introduce the fullness, and complexity of myself to another person hoping they’ll retain the fact that my favorite color is gold. I’m good and would much rather burn sage in my house, flirt excessively, fix the many broken pieces and love on myself for a while.

 

“It’s Better to have…STFU”

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I’m at the phase of my recent breakup where the saying “it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all” garners a hearty “FUCK ALLAT!” from a place deep within my spirit. My trust in romantic love has been severely damaged as my emotions have been twisted, torn and shattered due to various relationships. It is at this phase that most of my single friends encourage me to spread my “hoe” wings and fly to the next available erection to ease the sadness and embrace the single life; and I thought I’d be eager to do so. Turns out it’s not as simple as getting over my ex by getting under the next. What do you do when you’re newly single but not sure if you want to mingle?

Grab the Tissues

Mourning the lost of someone alive is top three worst experiences in life; up there next to stumping your pinky toe on the edge of the bed in the middle of the night. There’s a brief period in both where you swear something is permanently broken. The pain is still very much real for me and while it’s subsiding and I’m realizing that, no, the pinky toe is still attached; there’s this cautious fear I have for a while every time I walk around the edge of the bed. The same is true for the thought of inviting anyone else into my space even if only for a night. There’s a vulnerability and openness that comes even with the casual mingle that I’m not sure I’m ready for. And that’s okay.

 

Wholesome or Hoedom

I entertained the idea that if I was ever single again that I would throw myself blissfully into the hoe phase I had so foolishly deprived myself of during my college years. But now that I’m here, I’m not so sure. You see, though I have spent time alone and in reflection; I also look back and realized that I rolled from one tallywacker to the next even though I wasn’t the one pursuing; I accepted being caught. Now I can’t let countless energies enter into me until I can truly heal myself from all the heartbreak and trauma I’ve experienced over the years of my young life. The expectation is that I should sow my wild oaks….for now I’m good with being a kissing hoe with the mindless flirt tease to flex my single muscles.

hoe GIF

 

 

Hot Sign

I did some serious debating with myself trying to figure out if I was ready to tell the world about my new singleness for a very important reason. As soon as we utter the words “I’m single” after a long term relationship it’s like cutting the hot sign on at Krispy Kreme or Little Caesar’s; the masses flock for all the delectable goods you have in your procession. Truth is, though, I’m not a little Caesar’s pizza, I don’t have a sign saying hot and ready because I most definitely am not. So no doughnuts or pizza for you big fellas; I’m spending some of my time repairing, celebrating and improving.

 

Showing Some Ankle

Still, there’s power in remembering that you are still a person outside of your failed relationship and eventually putting yourself back in the game is necessary. I find myself more recently craving true, unfiltered testosterone in my life which let’s me know that my desire to mingle is only delayed and not dead. So, I use my flirting as the casual “layup” practice for when I’m ready to play the court again.

My flirt game is that of a more refined taste…

much like the near touch; I’ve been off limits for so long that just the mere show of an ankle-flirt is more than enough to get the blood flowing. Flirting just enough to make you question whether there’s a chance in hell but not enough for any of these men to actually attempt to take it any further. Showing that sexy ankle as a way to find my feminine powers and reassure the goddess in me.

red walk GIF by Dyan Jong

 

Regardless of whether you spread your “hoe” wings or choose to indulge in the near flirt; Do it all at your own pace. No one knows the conditions of your heart and mind quite like you do; being single again allows you to rediscover all of your strengths and wonderful qualities while reassessing what is deserving of your presence. Cherish this time as much as you can and remember “It’s better to have healed yourself than to have rushed to another tallywacker.”

Feel free to use that quote.

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Alright Builders! Your turn, tell me your post break up stories. Comment Below and Let’s Build better self love affairs.

 

 

It’s Friday Night and I feel alright ( it’s more like Saturday afternoon) and I’m getting cute because I’m preparing to go out on a date. I already know what I’m going to order at my favorite restaurant and that I can choose to see either the chick flick showing at 2:30 or the action movie showing at 3:15. Excitement mixed with feminine confidence pours over me when I get to the restaurant.  “How many?” the server asks me with a smile and I reply “One.” ☝🏾

Almost once every month I find the time to take myself on a date. I wear the outfit that’s been collecting dust in my closet, begging for a day out on the town. I obsessively snap pictures of myself to confirm how beautiful I look and feel. Some I post, most I delete after oogling at how pretty I am. Sometimes I even shut my phone off so that there’s no distractions to take my personal attention away from me. I usually do this either when I’m in a euphoric mood or when I’m a little down. Eating fajitas at San Jose while reading the Color Purple without having to explain or listen to anything other than “Would you like another tea?,” is both refreshing and empowering.

 

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This topic came about when talking to a group of my female friends about how we view and appreciate ourselves. I know that I’m weird but it still came as a shock to hear that some of my most flamboyant friends don’t take themselves out; let alone show appreciation to themselves. I asked why and the main answer was that they felt weird eating by themselves or going out alone.

Maybe it’s because they never had to or maybe there’s something more going on. When dating other people we often go all out. Whatever movie they want to see is fine. Whatever they want to eat is great. They’d rather do this than that, cool. We give so much attention, time and energy to other people but what about ourselves? Especially if you’re single. If you don’t do these things for you then who will?

Obviously I’m taking this beyond the scope of taking yourself out on a date and diving right into a discussion about seeing the value in yourself even when others don’t.

I always thought of myself as beautiful though I had been rarely called that in earlier years of my life. I had also saw myself as an amazing girlfriend or companion even though I had virtually nothing to show for it for years.

No confirmation for my self esteem mixed with situationships weighed on my self image like Rick Ross on a glass bathroom scale.( Pre weight loss.) If I’m really valuable and nobody sees it then am I still valuable? If a tree falls in a forest and there’s nobody around to hear, does it make a sound?

HELL. YES!

I started doing my dates to remind myself of this. Plus it doesn’t hurt that the guy at the concession stand or the server flirts with me because he thinks I’m cute. (bonus confidence boost and free popcorn!) Dating myself became a form of therapy that allowed me to dump everything out of my mind to celebrate myself in a way no one else was willing to.

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Now that I’m happily in a relationship that doesn’t mean that I’ve stopped showing myself love. It’s my outlet for when everyone and everything is overwhelming or for when I’m just randomly feeling myself. The result is that by the end of my little soiree I feel appreciated, looked after and cared for. It doesn’t really matter that it all came from me.

Dating myself is just one way I choose to keep my spirits up. Instead of focusing on the fact that I don’t have someone with me, I celebrate the fact that I don’t have to share my kids movie box that only comes with a hand full of popcorn, one candy and a small drink. (No sip of my damn juice). Instead of being self-conscious about whose watching me eat I catch up on some reading or writing. Some girls go get their toes done, some guys take a midnight drive or zone out in 2K.

friday night

Whatever you do, celebrating alone time with yourself as a choice and not a circumstance will help to increase your self image about what you want and deserve. I could sit at home sad that no one is in my life to watch Mean Girls with me OR I could get dolled up to go watch Fifty Shades Freed by my damn self.

I mean, because how can you expect others to value you if you don’t value you? or know what’s valuable about you because you never spent quality time with yourself? You want someone to appreciate you in the right way but how would you know if you don’t have a base line to go off of ? Now Tyrone gets points for the infamous Good Morning beautiful texts even though that’s all he does for you because you never told yourself you were beautiful.

You brought your girl, Ashley, Gucci, Louie and Chanel for Christmas and all she got you was a pack of socks. You’re unappreciated but you don’t know it because you never appreciated yourself.

OFF my high horse…

I’ve never had a problem being a loner. Socializing is harder for me than being out alone so that’s why it’s easy for me to have this particular outlet of appreciation. I get that most people would share the same concerns that my friends have but I honestly think that it’s worth a try. It’s liberating. You don’t have to go out on a Saturday with the Fast and the Furious 58 crowd. I like Sunday afternoons or Wednesdays. You don’t even have to take yourself on a date. The most important thing is finding a way to show yourself love because regardless of whether there’s a bae or not, you are definitely valuable. You just let yourself forget it. #LETSBUILD

🌯