What I’ve discovered in my 28 years of life is that being head bitch doesn’t necessarily go to the female that’s the loudest or most charismatic. I should know. I’m a socially awkward introvert who has a knack for being assertive and creative. Being an alpha is not a skill you can imitate from being seen or being aggressive. It’s a natural part of who you are, but it comes with a price.

Today I wanna get uncomfortable and talk about how women have a BIG problem being led by other women.

Look I’m not one to perpetuate the views of cattiness or pettiness that the media places on women especially us melanin filled ones but it serves us nothing if we can’t admit that sexism isn’t only from men in the workplace or entrepreneurial world.

Leading women as a woman is a task not meant for the soft of heart.

Raise your hand if you consider yourself an alpha female; through your assertiveness and “get shit done” attitude, no matter where you go you’re always placed in positions of leadership. Often you even carve out your own unique place of leadership. You enjoy watching a project grow from a seed into fruition by your hands. You love learning and working with people because you always want to grow, adapt and reinvent yourself. You wash, rinse, and repeat your tried and true boss skills wherever you are because it’s that much a part of you.

Now…

Raise your hand if you’ve had women who should be rooting for you, valuing your insight, being your ally, and accepting your direction make you feel inadequate.

 

 

This is a first-hand experience I’ve had myself. There are so many women who’d rather take direction from a mediocre man than a strong woman. I want to explore why that is. 

 

being an alpha who walks boldly on the landmine egos of men.

 

Mediocre Conformity

First things first,

If there are mediocre men then there are mediocre women.

I’m all for women empowerment and uplifting our gorgeous diversity but let’s be clear; we’ve all worked with a woman who played in the shadows, laughed at the bosses lame jokes to stroke his ego and played into stereotypes of the “delicate female nature” to get out of responsibilities. Then an alpha woman comes along and shakes things up.

She’s much less interested in being a part of the boys’ club than being a part of a true functioning team. She makes others around her either step their game up or remain mediocre. She’s a troublemaker by default. Shaking up an environment that is a comfort zone for many of her co-workers.

I’ve had many criticize my leadership simply because they weren’t used to a female being in charge of directing them. In honesty, it was also during a period of me learning the very thing I was helping to lead. I questioned whether I was fair; if I were empathetic, understanding. I questioned whether I was good enough. I questioned my brilliance and hard work all because others couldn’t handle leadership from someone with two breasts.

What allowed me to snap back to my sense was when I realized many of the ones talking weren’t doing. There’s a level of risk and reward that comes with taking initiative and I’m always stepping up. But then there are those who play in the shadows, do the bare minimum and complain. That’s a reality I’ve come to terms with.

 

The days of the Boys’ Club

With every job it always amazes me how so many of us are ready to step into the roles that men have laid out for us without question. Sometimes it’s unavoidable to do the job you were hired to do. Yet, there’s the underlining tone that men are the natural leaders. I don’t buy it. That mentality keeps women on the outside fogging up the windows of the boys’ club hoping one likes us enough to open the door.

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Meanwhile, I say fuck the boys and their raggedy club. Let’s make our own. When you come into work with cramps from hell and are still expected to be thrice as good, the only one who can truly understand you is a woman. When the office bully interprets you non stop during your last meeting the only one who can relate will be a woman because she’s likely had the same experience.

Banding together doesn’t mean you have to agree on everything and it doesn’t even mean you have to like each other. There should be mutual respect for being two women navigating a man’s world. Other women should be your safe space but often the exact opposite is true.

Currently, I work with other alphas females. They are my safe space. There are certain things that only require a look for them to understand. Like being an alpha who walks boldly on the landmine egos of men. There’s comfort in our solidarity.

 

When two Alphas meet

Being an alpha female doesn’t always mean you’re always going to be in charge.

There’s a study that shows within any group there can only be one alpha…are you secure enough in yourself to relinquish control. I do it all the time. I assess if my assertiveness will be effective in accomplishing a task, I assess the maturity of the group I’m working within and I decide for myself whether stepping up or stepping aside is the best move. That’s boss shit. I have only recently met women who act as mentors in leading other women. I’ve watched the same situations play out in their alpha moments.

Resistance from women and no support from men. The truth is tough to handle that there can only be one alpha at a time so many of us get caught up in the ‘crabs in a barrel mentality;” afraid that our spot will be taken. It’s not true. There’s room for us all to be leaders we just can’t do it all at the same time. You lead me, I lead you. I lead in one way, you lead in another. That’s how this works.

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How can we say we want equality when the women who make it to these positions of power don’t even have the support of the community they belong to? We’d be naive to think that men don’t see the discourse and capitalize on it. When’s the last time you’ve seen one of your male co-workers call out, talk negative about, or correct his male co-workers…I’ll wait.

 

The pressure to be perfect

In the world of working Alpha women, the pressure to be perfect is always prevalent. If the saying in the black community goes “you have to be twice as good to get half as far,” then imagine what that means for a black woman. Thrice as good!

When in a leadership position I find that there’s little to no room for anything less than perfection often deriving from other women. A mistake is seen as more a character flaw than a human trait. We place high expectations on the women who lead us because we usually have those for ourselves or we’re afraid that the bar has already been raised by her in a way we don’t care for living up to.

Therefore any mistake made is a sigh of relief. This is not ok. We should root for each other. Correct one another with GOOD intentions and protect in a way that sends a signal to others that though we are different, we’re still the same. Don’t mess with my sister. I’ve done this. Had the back of women who weren’t exactly helping the cause but also not deserving of the office bullying from men and women. When you understand that she in many ways IS you. Things change. If those around so openly and freely can bash this woman, what does that mean for you; the alpha who doubles a well-meaning trouble maker?

 

Lone Wolf with a Pact

Though I consider myself an alpha I don’t have naturally extroverted qualities many of you do. I also have no interest in the power struggles of spotlight and grandeur. Mostly I assert my point, then execute with or without the help of the pack.

The harmony created when strong women take turns leading each other is indescribable. It’s pure, it’s a vibe.

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But it takes being on the same page to band together; it takes having the same mindset that you’re sisters in the workplace because believe me; men have their club and we are not allowed. My mental pact is that I will mentor, protect, support and correct women in any workplace or environment I enter. I will be the troublemaker if it means paving a way for the woman coming behind me. 

Only compete with the last best version of yourself. That will ALWAYS be your lane. Incorporate all the new skills you’ve learned through working with others.

Your biggest adversary should be you, not another woman.

 

Hey Beautiful Women Builders! What have experiences been like working with other women? Are your an Alpha woman? Let’s Talk below! Like, Share and follow the Instagram @Lets_Build_Futures

 

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I can’t braid and still haven’t found the right shade of foundation to paint on my two toned face. And I like my hands dirty sometimes, motor oil and sweat mixed instead of a day spent behind the desk. I’m flat chested with just a suggestion of a curve at what should be my hips. With size 9 feet jotting out from my abnormally long legs. When I paint my toes there’s always some built up polish in the corners that dries. I don’t cry in front of people at the things that really hurt but the yearly Puff’s commercial leaves me running sensitively to the tissues. I have dark skin and darker big eyes. In the black community I’ve been told I’m not the right kind of woman all my life. Through suggestive comments and images of lighter skin and rounded asses. In society I am seen as much less a woman than an asset. I’ve had to learn how to love myself, for myself. Serena Williams recently said it best in her commercial proclaiming that “there’s no wrong way to be a woman.”

Greatest Commercial Ever

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Ripg_LfJIeM

Let’s talk about building self-esteem by celebrating who we are, HOW we are. Here’s how…

Get Naked

Take it off baby, TAKE. IT. OFF.

Take off the layers of armor that you’ve allowed to protect you from the disappointment of not living up to the ideal female. Get naked with your emotions and for real. Sometimes I stare at myself in the mirror and admire the build of my body and the way my face lights up when I smile.

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I could list all the things I wasn’t blessed with but I chose to only focus on finding the beauty of what’s in front of me. Lately I’ve also been realistic about exposing the seeping emotional wounds that I never nursed. The evidence of them leaking and poisoning my self esteem shows up when the inner voice whispers “you’re not enough” the root probably buried below a comment about my weight in ninth grade, or the cheating or the fact that one benefit from my friends with benefits wasn’t that he ended up choosing me. Uncovering all the little messages I’ve been sent and have been sending about what a woman should be is one way I reclaim my time, my life and my womanhood.

 

Validation versus Celebration

As a species we love validation in everything we do. We dress up knowing we look good but want someone to tell us how beautiful we are. We work hard and need others to praise how well put together and hardworking we are. Validation is necessary but the danger of it comes when hearing equals believing. Do you believe that you’re beautiful even if the one guy you dressed up for doesn’t even glance your way? How about after hearing “You’re cute for a dark skinned girl.” Do you believe that you’re enough of a woman even without all the things others project that a woman should be? Celebrate yourself by acknowledging and accepting your oddness in a world designed to encourage conformity. Celebrate yourself by interrupting the negative self view comments that broadcast in your head with positive messages about what you love about yourself and your life. Celebrate who you are, HOW you are. No apologies.

 

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Expect the Unexpected

When you stop trying to live up to other people’s ideas of what you should be you may just find who you are and end up realizing how pretty fucking amazing your being is already. So you don’t live up to what your mom and older aunties think a woman should be because you’ve decided you don’t want kids right now. Or you happily flaunt your gorgeous voluptuous curves in a two piece against naysayers who whisper about your size. Or laugh when your athletic build makes men and women uncomfortable. Maybe you can’t do your own makeup but you’re a damn good cook; maybe you’re not domestic at all. You will always be the wrong kind of woman to someone but being the right kind of woman is only really important to one person in this world. YOU.