Growing Pains
FRIENDS!
How many of us have them?
FRIENDS!
Ones you can depend on????
I guess the real question in that song should be…
How many have you grown apart from?
I’m not talking about those “friends” who are only considered friends because you go to the same school , work at the same place or come from the same town. No. I mean those real friends. The friend you told about kissing a girl that one time. The friend who you took care of when they were shit faced. The one who has so much dirt on you they walk around looking like Pig Pen in his Halloween costume.
And you will definitely be haunted by that fact now that you’ve grown apart from them.
Now that I think about it I need to get my lawyer to draw up some NDAs (nondisclosure agreements) for my friends STAT!
Disclaimer
By now you’ve probably been reading my posts and wondering
WHO THE HELL HURT YOU LADY?!
Rest assured that I not only write from experience but secondary experience i.e. shit my friends have been through. Mostly, I write from somewhere in between.
This is the in between.
Let’s discuss how it feels when you grow apart from someone you were once close to.
Best Friend Forever
Solid friendships usually develop during a major milestone in which two people prove they have a strong connection based on experiences and time. Those milestones could be college, working environments, or connecting over the guy who was cheating on you both (no judgement).
College roommate turned bestie.
Coworker turned confidant; connecting over your similar home life issues at work.
Enemy turned friend while eating a tub of rocky road and complaining how he ain’t shit.
Friendships blossom spontaneously and they give you someone in this world who loves and understands you. That’s why it hurts when you grow apart. A rift turns into the grand canyon until one day you realize that you’ve truly lost your friend because so much time has passed and you don’t even know each other anymore.
What Happened?!
I don’t have all the answers on why people grow apart. I do know that people change. We play specific roles in different areas of our life and the lives of other people. So, maybe that person no longer has the traits or characteristics necessary to comfortably fill that role in your life. That “fun” friend may have become more responsible and serious since his girlfriend had the baby. The “understanding” friend may have backed away to tend to their own personal emotional issues. That best friend may have lost herself for a while and then found a new version of herself that doesn’t include you. OUCH.
That one stung.
I asked around to see the responses to “What is the hardest part when growing apart from someone you were once close to?” Here’s what I got…
“When something happens to you whether it’s amazing or sad and the first person you want to talk to is that person. Then you remember y’all aren’t close anymore.”
Truly being close to someone or calling them a friend means that you include them in the highlights of your life. They’re usually one of the first people who you trust with information or want to share an experience with. You seek their advice or opinion often and cherish feedback that they give you about your life. When you grow apart you lose all of that. More importantly, they lose it as well.
“Getting over the memories that like to replay themselves”
How many can relate to that 4 a.m. insomnia fest that brings up every memory, good and bad, about that lost friend or lover. Could it be the grease from that midnight pizza that’s causing this mental regurgitation or the unsettling feeling of never getting closure?
“Trying not to blame yourself (when it’s not your fault)”
It’s not your fault and sometimes it’s not theirs either. Growing apart is usually a result of growth if there was no rift to act as a catalyst. Growth is a staple of life. Your friend may have just grown in another direction but whose to say that in one of your growth spurts you two won’t reconnect stronger than ever.
“It’s like a betrayal to the love you thought you had with that person because it couldn’t stand up against life or time”
I have this guy bestie who lives on the other side of the country and has traveled the world. We go months without talking. But when we do it’s like no time at all has passed. It’s a very special connection that I hold dear to my heart but the truth is not every friendship is built that way. It can be hurtful once you come to this realization but does that mean the love you had with that person is weaker?
Tell me, what’s the hardest part for you when growing apart from someone you were once close to? Comment below and Let’s Talk.
#LetsBuild
I swear to god, I have become a professional infrastructure builder lol. I’m like ” hmm, I see that bridge is on fire, we are going to need to bring in a whole maintenance team STAT!” I had the worst falling out with my best friend 10 years ago. It was ugly. I called her last year, apologized, listened, and fixed. We’ve never been closer.
That is awesome! I have some friends who are going the similar things. I even have people I was close to who I didn’t necessarily fall out with but have grown apart from. All it takes is that one thing to remind you of that person and then you get the FEELS lol I’m glad you and your girl made up; sometimes rifts only strengthen the friendship in the long run.
I think one of the hardest things about growing apart from someone is seeing who “replaced” you on social media. Seeing their posts with or about someone else can be difficult.
Ahhh yes that is so very true. I’ve had it happen to me. Seen it happen recently and it’s like taking a dagger straight to the heart every time. If it gets to difficult I just unfollow. Outta sight, Outta Mind. Until the 4 a.m. insomnia at least lol Thank you for sharing!
I’ve never had true falling outs (like we are upset with each out and aren’t talking), it’s more just growing apart. I think it’s a natural life cycle, except for those truly rare connections.
Same here. I think it sorta messes with your mind though. If you had a falling out with someone at least that’s a reason for growing apart but just naturally growing apart through less phones, outings, and things like that just feels weird and I think that’s what most people struggle with especially if you were close to the person.
Your post and subsequent comments, immediately reminded me of an anonymous poem about people coming into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. It’s too long to reiterate here but I found a good explanation of it on https://www.wishingmoon.com/is-someone-a-season-reason-or-a-lifetime/ if you are interested.
Not being a millennial, I have had many more years of relationships beginning and ending. It is easier for me now to accept the ones who have gone — whether from a rift or just growing in different directions. Some I have reconnected with, some not. In some cases I ended the relationship, in others I was the one cut loose. But, I more easily see that by letting some people go, it has created room for new people to come into my life.
I am a very low-maintenance friend and am pleased to say my college bud of too many decades ago is my BFF even though we may only speak once a year. When the hearts have met, the ties are strong. And still, I know this will also come to an end one day because death is a certainty.
Still, I am often perplexed at the people on the internet who say they have 1,000+ “friends.” To me, they have no idea what a true friend is because they have not made the investment of time and understanding in a relationship. A quick “like,” seems to shallow to me and little more than a quick connection. But, yes, I am old school. And I am a good friend.
You are definitely right. I think I got lucky when it came to making lasting friends who seen me at my worst and best. And that poem is definitely lovely and true. I think in the age of social media it’s enticing to people to feel desired, important and seem I definitely wouldn’t consider my 900+ “friends” on social media actual friends but a simple collection of classmates, associates and social strangers 😊 but I do think that in a time when competition is pushed on this generation in many directions that ppl form friendships based off of proximity and not things of substance and those are bound to give away after life and time happens to it enough. Thank you for sharing such great information 🙏🏾
Glad you liked it. 🙂
This post reminds me of a former friend. I was a bridesmaid in her wedding. The wedding was stressful. She said some unkind things. I said some unkind things. It hurt and I was resentful for more than 2 years. Last year, I sent her an email to apologize. She has not responded and I’m okay with that. I cherish the memories we shared. I remember the good times and after 2+ years, I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that she and I are on longer friends.
That’s the thing about friendships – the most difficult lesson for me to learn – not all of them are forever. When they die, you do your part to mend and then move on. There are more friendships in store.
Thanks for this insightful post.
I think this post has taken a few people down memory lane to the painful, healing and otherwise uncomfortable thoughts about “that one friend” crazy enough that in the few weeks I’ve written this I’ve lost a long time friend whose friendship was irreplaceable for me. Now i’m having to read my own post to get some clarity and closure LOL I’m glad that this post was able to speak to and I appreciate your feedback.