Sex is NOT a Therapist

Great sex after a hard day is indescribably wonderful.

There are so many mental, emotional, and physical benefits to shaking the sheets like lowered stress levels, improved job/life satisfaction, even headache relief. We could talk all day about the goodness a hefty orgasm brings us but I want to flip the script and discuss how sex is often used to combat things better addressed by other forms of therapy. Because sex can be therapy but it is NOT a real therapist.

Therapy Supplement

We use sex. When given the opportunity we let it be a distraction, stress reliever, a filter for our unfiltered emotions. We allow sex to be the conductor of our frustrations, aggression, and anxiety. Instead of using our words to discuss the argument, we choose to have makeup sex. We release our anger in an acceptable way with angry sex. We even use it to express that “I love you” we’re too afraid to speak or as a way to boost our self-esteem in feeling desired and wanted.

More often though, many of us use sex as a way to wax over the scars that we never pay attention to. Our sex lives become our primary way of dealing with difficult emotions that we’d rather not focus on. Hard day at work?…we hit the hay with someone we find attractive. We do this instead of exploring our emotions. We substitute talking for kissing. Crying for moaning. Cursing for…well nvm both use that one. You get my point.

Sex becomes our means of therapy but this form of therapy never heals the scars simply because it never even acknowledges their existence.

Having an inactive sex life doesn’t disqualify you from this conversation. There have been times in my life where I found myself avoiding sex as a way to “protect myself.” I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with abstinence or restraint but my reasons often highlighted my fear of opening up to others in any real intimate way. Because sex is an intimate act for me I use it as a gauge when dealing with others.

When we find ourselves using sex in copious amounts or avoiding it altogether we should take a minute to inventory our emotions.

The therapy of talking is just as cathartic as the therapy of bumping uglies.

Inventory Your Emotions

Take a minute to think about your current emotions. Focus on the “why” behind those emotions. Now, think about your sex life or lack thereof. Are you satisfied with the connection between the two? Is there a connection? Now think about the last time you spoke with someone you lay with about your emotions. Are you satisfied with that connection?

Sorry to be all up in your business, trust me, I’m all up in mine too.

Real Talk Therapy

Sometimes real therapy doesn’t have to come with a mountain of degrees. Real therapy could just be talking to another person about how you’re feeling and what you’re thinking. Real therapy is choosing not to stuff it all down and release it in the bedroom but to inventory your emotions. Expressing them through multiple forms of therapy including sex. Knowing when to knock the bedframe loose and when to take a moment to discuss your frustrations is an important skill. The therapy of talking is just as cathartic as the therapy of bumping uglies. Nothing replaces a need for a conversation like a conversation. Not sex, not video games, not even shopping. When it’s time to use talk therapy no other forms of therapy will truly satisfy.

sex can be therapy but it is NOT a real therapist.

As we get older, our ways of coping will only solidify themselves as habits. We should ensure that those coping habits are truly helping us live our best lives. Ultimately speaking with a professional counselor or therapist when life becomes too much helps to not only get us on the road toward a healthier life but a healthier sex life as well. No, sex is not a real therapist but sometimes you don’t need one. Sometimes you just have to be honest enough with yourself to know that your use of sex in blocking other internal struggles isn’t healthy.

When in doubt, talking with someone you trust gives you another beneficial release just like sex does. It’s all about balance. This conversation is meant to ensure that our sexual actions are intentional, fun, and only one form of therapy that we use for our emotions.

Let’s sex with a purpose.