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Single, F*** the Mingle

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Grab a fresh pack of batteries girls, I’m single. I know; I heard the collective gasp when you read the title but it’s true. I have been flung like a loose booger back into singledom and I wasn’t as prepared as I had previously hyped myself up to be. Not being able to say “I have a boyfriend,” to ward off the creeps has been sorely missed. And while I revel in all the possibilities of life and love that comes with singleness; I find that I am not ready to mingle.

The dating world is a thing of terror for me. I internally scream just thinking about the questions to come “What’s your favorite color?…” “Oh so you G.I. Jane?” and the never disappointing “SO cAn I cOmE tHrOuGh?” said best by Amanda Seales in her HBO special “What are we talking about????!!!” I want real connections but the truth is sometimes you have to put yourself out there and sift through the bullshit before you stumble upon the good stuff.

That’s where I’m drawing the line, as previously discussed in burned out to a crisp, I don’t have the energy or the willpower to introduce the fullness, and complexity of myself to another person hoping they’ll retain the fact that my favorite color is gold. I’m good and would much rather burn sage in my house, flirt excessively, fix the many broken pieces and love on myself for a while.

 

“It’s Better to have…STFU”

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I’m at the phase of my recent breakup where the saying “it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all” garners a hearty “FUCK ALLAT!” from a place deep within my spirit. My trust in romantic love has been severely damaged as my emotions have been twisted, torn and shattered due to various relationships. It is at this phase that most of my single friends encourage me to spread my “hoe” wings and fly to the next available erection to ease the sadness and embrace the single life; and I thought I’d be eager to do so. Turns out it’s not as simple as getting over my ex by getting under the next. What do you do when you’re newly single but not sure if you want to mingle?

Grab the Tissues

Mourning the lost of someone alive is top three worst experiences in life; up there next to stumping your pinky toe on the edge of the bed in the middle of the night. There’s a brief period in both where you swear something is permanently broken. The pain is still very much real for me and while it’s subsiding and I’m realizing that, no, the pinky toe is still attached; there’s this cautious fear I have for a while every time I walk around the edge of the bed. The same is true for the thought of inviting anyone else into my space even if only for a night. There’s a vulnerability and openness that comes even with the casual mingle that I’m not sure I’m ready for. And that’s okay.

 

Wholesome or Hoedom

I entertained the idea that if I was ever single again that I would throw myself blissfully into the hoe phase I had so foolishly deprived myself of during my college years. But now that I’m here, I’m not so sure. You see, though I have spent time alone and in reflection; I also look back and realized that I rolled from one tallywacker to the next even though I wasn’t the one pursuing; I accepted being caught. Now I can’t let countless energies enter into me until I can truly heal myself from all the heartbreak and trauma I’ve experienced over the years of my young life. The expectation is that I should sow my wild oaks….for now I’m good with being a kissing hoe with the mindless flirt tease to flex my single muscles.

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Hot Sign

I did some serious debating with myself trying to figure out if I was ready to tell the world about my new singleness for a very important reason. As soon as we utter the words “I’m single” after a long term relationship it’s like cutting the hot sign on at Krispy Kreme or Little Caesar’s; the masses flock for all the delectable goods you have in your procession. Truth is, though, I’m not a little Caesar’s pizza, I don’t have a sign saying hot and ready because I most definitely am not. So no doughnuts or pizza for you big fellas; I’m spending some of my time repairing, celebrating and improving.

 

Showing Some Ankle

Still, there’s power in remembering that you are still a person outside of your failed relationship and eventually putting yourself back in the game is necessary. I find myself more recently craving true, unfiltered testosterone in my life which let’s me know that my desire to mingle is only delayed and not dead. So, I use my flirting as the casual “layup” practice for when I’m ready to play the court again.

My flirt game is that of a more refined taste…

much like the near touch; I’ve been off limits for so long that just the mere show of an ankle-flirt is more than enough to get the blood flowing. Flirting just enough to make you question whether there’s a chance in hell but not enough for any of these men to actually attempt to take it any further. Showing that sexy ankle as a way to find my feminine powers and reassure the goddess in me.

red walk GIF by Dyan Jong

 

Regardless of whether you spread your “hoe” wings or choose to indulge in the near flirt; Do it all at your own pace. No one knows the conditions of your heart and mind quite like you do; being single again allows you to rediscover all of your strengths and wonderful qualities while reassessing what is deserving of your presence. Cherish this time as much as you can and remember “It’s better to have healed yourself than to have rushed to another tallywacker.”

Feel free to use that quote.

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Alright Builders! Your turn, tell me your post break up stories. Comment Below and Let’s Build better self love affairs.

 

How to leave the Job you LOVE for the Job you NEED

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If you’ve been reading Let’s Build for a while you know that changing jobs is as common as changing panties for me; but that doesn’t always mean it’s easy. Yet, having the right job for the reality of your life is an important tool for building a better life for yourself. In fact, I want to discuss how you can gracefully leave a job you LOVE to go to the job you NEED.

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Why Leave

I know, I know for the millennial generation working a job you love is up there with our other major needs in the workplace like opportunities to lead, working with an impact/goal and paid time off. Goodness forbid we do what our parents did and work a job that sucks just for a steady paycheck and benefits. But let’s be honest, with more of us tackling student loan debt and coming into an age where taking care of baby boomer parents is common due to their lack of saving for retirement, you may find that the job you love is not meeting all of your needs. An article from Bustle explains this situation perfectly in Our Parents Are Broke & So Are We. Now What?.

Regardless of the reasons, our needs change. Something happens and a few extra hundred a month could be the difference between just making it and being able to set up for a better financial future or freeing extra time for family or a higher job title. With a generation so in tune with our wants we often place our immediate needs on the back burner until we start to smell smoke. Sometimes we have to remind ourselves that making the most of unexpected opportunities is one of those millennial mistakes lessons that we learned a few years ago.

 

Blazers to Boots

Currently, I work in a slow pace environment with three other people who I’ve managed to form bonds with outside of the awkward workplace tango many of us do when in “work mode.” While working here I’ve managed to tap into my creative side and launch my blog as a result of having the time and resources to focus on the Let’s Build brand. I work with a purpose to uplift an entire community, with vacations, holidays, sick leave, health benefits, and decent pay. I truly love my job. This will all change in two weeks as I trade in my blazers and afro-centric work attire for a uniform and heavy boots. I will trade in quiet interactions for loud voices and a mentally stimulating environment for a physically demanding one.

BUT

I will also be trading in set salary pay for an income increase. I will be trading in a sometimes hectic work life for a more simplistic one because instead of juggling two jobs I’ll be down to one. When I run down the mental list of pros and cons of leaving to embark on a new chapter, the choice is really a no-brainer. My priorities have changed and I now need to adjust my reality to achieve the things that will place me where I want to be in life. So, even though I love my current job I have to take the job I need instead. But just how do you do that?

 

Be Honest

Telling your boss that you’re leaving because you need a job that aligns better with your financial/personal/professional reality can play out in many different ways. You should prepare yourself for the many possibilities.

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A. They could offer to rise to the occasion to meet those needs to keep you as a part of the team. (This may not be an option within their power to do in many cases.)

B. They could be understanding and wish you the best in your pursuits because, ya know, it’s hard outchea and you have to get it how you live.

C. They could even be resentful regardless of ample notice and an exemplary track record while working there because they know that they are losing an asset and will have to go through the process of replacing you.

D. All of the Above

The best way to break the news is to share only what is necessary in an honest way. You don’t have to go on a rant of how the opportunity will be far better than the job you’re in now but don’t shy away from saying that it’s simply the best choice for your life at the moment.

 

Don’t Apologize

As a society we have a tendency to over apologize whether we actually mean it or not, “oh, I’m sorry I got the last double chocolate muffin.” “Oh, I’m sorry I got the closer parking spot.” “Oh, I’m sorry I need to take advantage of a job opportunity that could get me out of debt sooner?…” STOP APOLOGIZING FOR DOING WHAT’S BEST IN YOUR LIFE!

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(unless of course you’re truly harming someone, in that case just be a better person immediately.) But when leaving a good job for a great job or a job you love for the job you need; you should not feel compelled to excessively apologize. If it’s short notice, then yes apologize for that aspect but don’t over-explain why it’s the best choice, don’t inflate the issues it will correct in your life and for the love of all that is millennial DON’T APOLOGIZE for seizing your moment.

 

Ohana Means Family

Having bonds with co-workers can make it that much more difficult to lay on the news that you’re leaving but staying in a job for others is never the right choice. Just as you wouldn’t pass up a great opportunity when it comes to your blood family; you also shouldn’t do it for your work family.

When I first realized I was really leaving I focused heavily on how my boss and co-workers would be effected professionally and personally in their relation to my position and presence in the workplace. I’m not going to say that how they feel should be none of your concern but it shouldn’t be all of your concern either. If the bonds you built with your work family are strong then you will ensure that they will continue even after you’re gone if possible but if say, you’re moving across country, then you still shouldn’t feel that losing a work family diminishes what you built with them in the workplace. Appreciate what you had and hopefully they’ll do the same.

 

When Short Notice is Imminent

It is important to provide your workplace with enough time to adjust and take the needed measures in response to your exit. In some cases you may not exactly have control over getting little to no real notice of another job opportunity available to you. This makes exiting your beloved workplace stressful. When you keep your mind on the “why” behind your decision to leave it will help to alleviate much of the anxiety you feel over a hasty exit. The greater good may not be in the greatest good for your current workplace but doing your part to translate the why, when and how you’ve come to your decision to leave should allow your workplace to adjust from there. Do what you can with what you have and don’t try to control how others react to the news.

 

Builders, have you ever left something you wanted for something you needed (jobs, locations, relationships?) Comment below and Let’s Talk about it!

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